Not a freak
by Rosie19693
Summary: lily's reaction to snapes cruelty mudblood thing.  No matter how much you're hurting you shouldn't go walking in the forbidden forest with a full moon. But is death really something that lily wants to avoid that much? and is james really the bad guy
1. Chapter 1

How could he, how could he? I thought he was my friend, but obviously not.

If someone had told me last year that my best and first friend Severus Snape would end up betraying me even though I was just trying to help him, I probably would have laughed in their face and told them to stop being stupid. I mean Snape and I had been growing apart, in fact going into our sixth year we only talked on the oddest occasions. But never would I of imagined him doing something like this.

Mudblood. That word symbolised the hatred of the inter house wars. That word represented the prejudice of hundreds of years of violence. Every muggle-born in the school had been called it at least once. In fact most muggle-borns were called it on a regular bases. Not me though, I originally thought that Severus was protecting me but them Alice told me that James had threatened anyone who might call me that telling them that they would face him for the rest of their time at Hogwarts. The boy who did once let it slip, well they say he still has nightmares about what James did, not that anyone will tell me what it was. I guess there are some perks to being protected by a marauder.

I've heard of incidences when it was rumoured that Snape had called someone else a mudblood before, but they were just rumours. Or at least I thought they were. All these years Snape has told me that I'm just as good as everyone else, better in his opinion. All these years, lies.

I thought he was my friend. I thought he cared about me. I was just trying to help him. I thought I mattered to him.

But no, I'm Lily Evans. No one cares about Lily Evans. Not really.

Sometimes I wonder what people would do if I just disappeared one day. Would they care? Would they be sad?

Or would they be happy? Would they be pleased, little Lily Evans, a problem, only pitied not liked? Never liked. Not even her sister likes her, so why should we.

I imagine people talking in groups glancing at me occasionally, this dream not only something in my head, but something that really happens. What did they talk about, did they think she was a freak too? Was it true?

When Alice, Mary and the others came back to our dorm I could feel there pitying glances on me. They'd never really liked Snape but they didn't want to see me hurting. I nearly burst into tears then and there.

Mary approached me slowly a worried look on her face.

I heard about what happened and I'm really sorry Lils. She paused for a second before adding. I know you probably don't want to see him right now, but Snape is outside the portrait hole. We told him you didn't want to see him but now he's threatening to camp out there if you don't speak to him. I can find a way to get rid of him if you want. I'm sure one of the marauders would love the task.

The marauders. James. I remember yelling at him, screaming at him that he was just as bad as Snape. I remember the hurt in his eyes. Never have I seen so much pain before in someone eyes.

Why did I always do that? Every time I yell at James I seem to forget that he's human and that he hurts just like the rest of us. He hasn't even been that bad recently. There have been no embarrassing proclamations of love, no cheesy pick up lines, I've even managed to have a normal conversation with him on a few occasions. It amazing, occasionally I even miss the old James

And now this. He's never been that hurt before. Well if he wasn't over me yet then he certainly is over me now. How could I say those things? I picked the exact things that I knew would hurt him the most. He was nothing like Snape, nothing like a Slytherin. But I was. How could I be so cruel?

"Lily, Lily"

I look at Mary and realise she's said my name at least 5 times now, still waiting for an answer. Should I talk to Snape, I guess I have no choice, there's no way he'll leave if he thinks he still has a chance of begging my forgiveness.

I get up to go meet him, as I pass through the common room I find myself looking for James, to see how much I've hurt him. He's nowhere in sight. None of the marauders are. What have I done?

I'm still thinking about James when I step through the portrait hole to find Snape. As I listen to him I begin to realise that everything the marauders have said about him is true. It didn't used to be, but it is now.

As I look into his eyes I see that even now there's a glimmer of hope in his eyes that means he thinks I still might forgive him. I crush that glimmer. I don't even know what I say but I see that glimmer fade just before I turn around and climb back through the portrait hole, Snape still calling my name.

For a moment I just stand there coming to terms' with the fact that I will never again be able to call Snape a friend again. Even my mind has started calling him Snape instead of Severus.

As I walk in to the common room I feel everyone shooting me pitying glances, and suddenly I feel part of me just break. As the first tear slides down my cheek I'm already running out through the portrait hole and down the stairs, ignoring Mary and Alice calling my name from the common room.

I don't look where I'm going, just let my feet guide me through the corridors, my eyes so blinded by tears that I wouldn't be able to see even if I wanted to.

Faces pass before my eyes, my sister and her boyfriend shooting disgusted glares at me, calling me a freak, the hurt in James' eyes when I yelled at him, the fury in Sirius' when he saw James' expression, the hatred in Snapes face when he yelled out mudblood, then the dying hope in his eyes tonight as I told him we weren't friends anymore. These faces jeering at me, screaming that it was all my fault. If only I wasn't a witch, maybe if I'd been a muggle then everything would have turned out all right.

I'm still running when something catches my foot and sends me crashing down onto wet leaves and twigs. I look around for the first time realising that I'm lost. I look behind me to see that it was a tree root that had tripped me, this fact briefly calming the fear of the unknown that had gripped me.

Trying to breathe normally I look around but can see nothing but trees and darkness. I'm lucky really, if it wasn't for the full moon I wouldn't have been able to see anything.

Suddenly it hits me that I'm in the forbidden forest, not only that but I'm lost in the forbidden forest without, as a quick search of my pockets confirmed, my wand.

I try to stand but quickly find myself falling down, shrieking in agony as my ankle gives way under the pressure I just put on it. I take a moment to curse tree roots, before beginning to ask myself how long it would take for someone to find me. Would Mary and Alice report the fact that I had run off, or would they be trying to avoid getting me in trouble for being out of bed after curfew. For once I wish that my friends weren't so damn loyal, knowing that there was no way they'd want to get me into trouble. That meant that it was likely that no one would even know she was missing until breakfast tomorrow. Would they even report it then, maybe they'd wait for first lesson hoping she'd turn up for that.

Tears of fear started to stream down my face wondering if anyone would ever find me. A distant cracking sound makes me jump, and suddenly I wish I hadn't listened so closely to all those horror stories that the older boys told about this place. Of beasts hunting at midnight, longing for the taste of human flesh, or of spirits possessing people, finally driving them mad.

Circling into a ball and trying to quieten down my tears, images of the events of today mixed in with nightmares from my imagination. I close my eyes trying to keep out the horrors, to create my own sanctuary inside my head. It doesn't work. I feel myself slowly descending into darkness as I struggle to open my eyes, ending when the darkness consumes me and I feel myself screaming from the torments of my mind.

In my head I'm running, trying to find a hiding space that will save me from my terrors. Even when I reach it I can feel someone watching me, but for some reason the watcher doesn't scare me. I fact as I leave my hiding place and try to find those eyes I almost feel safe.

Till I realise that I'm not dreaming those eyes and that there is a bloody great beast standing in front of me. It takes me a few moments to realize that it's not a magical beast standing in front of me, but a stag. Ok probably slightly magical seeing as it was double the size of any stag I'd ever seen, or heard about for that matter.

It's strange, almost as if the stag looks worried while looking at me, but stags can't look worried, it's just an animal. An extremely large animal that seems to be quite contempt just staring at me. That is until we both here the howl in the distance. The stag looks away and I take this as a chance to study it.

It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. The way it stands makes you think that its royalty. So tall, so proud. Then the antlers (at least I think that's what they're called, though I swear there's another name), they rise above the head like a crown. Perfectly symmetrical in every way.

I begin to study the stag more closely when it turns its head back to me. If it's even possible the stag looks more worried. It starts motioning with its head, like it's telling me to go somewhere.

It looks impatient and suddenly I'm not as confident as before.

When the stag keeps motioning I point to my ankle and say that I can't. I sound stupid even in my own ears, talking to an animal, but the stag seems to understand

The next thing it does surprises me. It bends down and almost motions like he wants me to get on. I don't know what to do but the stag keeps motioning, seeming to grow more impatient every second. I move tentatively towards it and go to climb on. The stag moves quickly knocking me onto him, then standing up and taking off running just as quickly. I have to struggle to hang on but as I get used to it I start to wonder where it's talking me. I hear the howl again, much closer this time, then a second sound like a dog barking. The stag started to run faster but the howls just keep getting closer.

I here splashing sounds and realise that the stag is walking downstream in the shallows of a river. He slows down slightly, but I have a feeling this is only to stop from falling over on the wet stones. I almost start to relax until I hear another howl, this one much closer than the last. The stag hears it to because suddenly he's abandoned the river and is now running full speed through the forest. The howl comes again, no closer but no further either. We break out in to a clearing where the stag suddenly stops almost throwing me off his back. There's a bank on one side of the clearing which the stag carries me over too before dumping me on the ground. It fixes me with one of the most penetrating stares I have ever seen. The stare seems to say

_Trust me_

And with that the stag is gone.

I shiver and look around the clearing realising that I still have no idea where I am when I hear it. A slow growl coming from one side of the clearing. Low and penetrating it get louder until I see a pair of yellow eyes stair out at me from in the thicket. Slowly the beast emerges from the bushes still growling, but now it doesn't sound menacing, it sounds hungry.

If I said the stag was big, the new beast was bigger. Moving on all fours, claws and teeth gleaming in the moonlight, if the stag made you feel safe then this was the opposite. This beast made you feel like food.

I stared at it as it came closer knowing that it was about to rip my throat out, wondering whether my death would be quick or slow, when I saw the full moon in the background.

It hit me then what I was starring at. And in a way I was comforted. At least I was going to know what killed me.

Just less than 5 meters away the werewolf prepared to leap at me, and I wondered briefly what life after death would be like.

The werewolf leaped, but even as its paws left the ground I saw a flicker of fear register in its eyes.

Because as soon as the werewolf was in full leap it was hip full on in the chest by the antlers of the stag that had just leapt over me...


	2. Chapter 2

I watched as the werewolf was thrown across the clearing with shock, this just couldn't be happening. Werewolves don't just wonder around the grounds of Hogwarts, and there certainly aren't animals that would happily stand in the way of one getting to a student. A very calm voice in the back of my head informed me that either hysteria was setting in, I was already dead, or obviously I'm wrong. Please dear god let it be the third one.

The werewolf lunges at the stag again and I can't even look to see if my saviour is still standing. I start counting in my head.

1...2...3...4...5...

I hear another thud and a howl of pain. I continue counting.

6...7...8...9...10...

More thuds, more sounds of pain

11...12...13...14...15...

Silence, the exhausted sound of panting

16...17...18...19...20...

Then it begins again

21...22...23...24...25...

Until I hear the sound of barking from my right, this catches my attention and finally I look up to see a truly huge black dog standing on the edge of the clearing, it's terrifying, except for the fact that its huge brown eyes hold nothing but worry. Worry that appears to be directed at both the stag and the werewolf

Could this night get any stranger?

And then of course just to be contradictory it does

The dog goes to stand at the side of the stag, the heavily hurt and bleeding stag

Oh god

It looks like it can't stand much more

But then the werewolf looks just as bad

Yep, it defiantly got stranger

The calm voice at the back of my mind is back, telling me that if I wasn't hysteric before I'm defiantly hysteric now, I might have even crossed the border to insanity.

Brrrrrrriliant

Now what are the animals doing, wait, no now I've defiantly lost it. They appear to be talking

Yep defiantly lost it

Wait they seem to have reached a decision

The black dog is walking over to me, wait oh shit the BLACK DOG IS WALKING OVER TO ME.

And its telling me to get on its back just like the stag did

And it appears that just like the stag the dog has problems with patience as well

Wow this is just not my night, I mean how many people meet a werewolf, wait werewolf, what happened to the werewolf

I twist round as the dog starts to move away from the clearing with me playing passenger. In the clearing the werewolf stands facing us at the far end the stag facing it, standing in the way of the wolf is the stag, not that it looks like it's in any position to protect us. Wait why are we leaving the stag alone with that thing? I must have said that bit aloud because the dog under me grunts as if in agreement. Suddenly I notice the fact that I'm now travelling on a giant dog who's running pretty damn fast and still managing not to hit trees. It's actually quite cool...

...for about 5 seconds before I become scarred shitless and decide to close my eyes.

In my mind I can still see the stag, blood running from numerous scratches and bites, it had saved me, but at what cost.

The calm voice is back repeating just remember to breathe again and again. Hah, what does a voice know about breathing

Yep defiantly mad, there's no question about it

And then the dog stops and I open my eyes expecting to find myself still in the forests...which is not what I find

What I actually see is the sleeping portrait of the fat lady, I'm in school and being ungracefully dumped in front of the portrait that leads to my safety. I turn and look at the dog whose starring at me coldly, and my mind starts to go into overdrive

What is he? How did he know where to take me? Why was he in the forest? How does he know the werewolf and the stag? Is he a he?

I'm about to try and say something to see if he understands me when the dog turns around and pads back down the stairs. Just like that, leaving me here.

Though then again what did I expect, it a freaking giant black dog not a knight in shining armour. But then again if anything I'd seen tonight was a knight in shining armour then it would of had to be the stag.

The image of the stag bloodied and bruised still protecting me flashes into my mind and I let a word slip out of my mouth hoping it will reach the stag (please be alive) wherever it is.

_Thank you _


	3. Chapter 3

"miss Evans, wake up now please, there is no reason for you to still be in bed, miss Evans" what is it with people and waking me up to early, Merlin, can't they just let me sleep.

"miss Evans if you don't leave my infirmary in the next 10 minutes then I shall be forced to ask you again how exactly you hurt your ankle, as well as why were there leaves in your hair when I brought you down here"

Wait what, she can't say things like that, she's not allowed to threaten students, I swear there's a rule against that.

"Miss Evans"

Alright, alright I'm up, god women, aren't you meant to be looking after me. Alright lily, time to open your eyes. Oww bright, no it's settling down again. Hmmm, wonder why madam Pomfrey looks so stressed, actually, she looks really worried, and she keeps glancing at the door. So she isn't worried about me, hmm.

"Miss Evans"

Fine I'm up, what is her problem. Owwwwwwww. Shit my ankle, wait why hasn't madam Pomfrey healed my ankle, isn't that like her job or something, I should point out to her that I can't actually move right now anyway, but she looks so stressed, and she keeps looking towards the door then the window, I wonder what's so interesting about the window, all you can see is the whomping willow and unless it's trying to hit someone – it isn't by the way – then that's hardly interesting.

I cough to try and get her attention

"Um miss, I can't stand up, my ankle's still broken"

She looks at me, she continues to look at me, I start to wonder whether I should repeat myself, she continues to look blankly at me, then eureka, my words finally seem to penetrate, oh she says as a look of comprehension alights her face, quickly followed by one of embarrassment.

"Well, umm, I'll just ahh get you something for that now"

Finally, what is with her? Normally she seems so much more collected, now... I don't even know what to call how she's acting, and for god sakes she's a teacher isn't she always supposed to act the same, you know responsible and all that.

She's coming back now with some form of potion that will no doubt be vile, I swear she does something to them to make them extra gross, I mean for god sakes I know how to make these potions and there is no way they're all that disgusting.

She's about to hand it to me when the infirmary door opens, and she puts it JUST OUT OF MY REACH. For all that is good and holy does she not know how much pain I'm in right now. What in Merlin's name could be more important than giving me that potion and consequently getting me out of this hell on earth that is called the infirmary? Actually that's a good point what is more important?

Oh you have got kidding me? Seriously? Peter! That's what's more important than the pain I'm in. Merlin he doesn't even look like he's ill. I mean sure he looks tired and worried but it's not like he's hurt. It's not like he's got a BLOODY BROKEN ANKLE.

Maybe if I stretch a little further I can reach that potion, that's it just a little bit further, a little bit... ahhh, too far, too far. Thank god for luck that would have been embarrassing. I can see it now "Lilly Evans breaks her back by trying to fix her ankle", or "Lilly Evans dies from broken neck after suffering form a fatal dose of impatience". At least no one noticed. Wait a second no one noticed. It's not like I was being quiet or anything, I'm pretty sure I screamed at one stage. What the hell are peter and Pomfrey talking about, hmm looks serious, peter seems to be really nervous and shifty, but then again peter always seems nervous and shifty, madam Pomfrey seems worried, she seems not to be liking whatever peters telling her, ha, bet it's another excuse for why one of his friends, have mysteriously hurt themselves, potters always getting into stupid situations like that.

Oh shit potter, I really need to apologise to him about what happened yesterday, yesterday damn it, it's amazing how something that major can slip your mind that easily when you're attacked by a werewolf. Werewolf I should really figure out what I'm going to do about that, right after I apologise to potter. Yep that should work.

Hmm madam Pomfreys yelling, yay I can hear what she's saying now

"What do you mean every bone in his body?"

Ooo, she looks pissed, I'd hate to be in peter's shoes right about now, but then again I'd hate to be in peters shoes most of the time, he has really strange feet.

Peter appears to be telling madam Pomfrey something in a hushed voice and now he's pointing to me, in a desperate kind of way, madam Pomfrey has now remembered that I exist and that I'm watching her. She's marching over here, and she's giving me the vile potion. Yay

"Drink"

Well there's no need to be rude about it

I drink

I nearly throw up

I swallow... again

"Your ankle will be alright in 10 minutes, don't put too much pressure on it though, by the time I get back I expect you to be gone"

And with that she marches out of the infirmary with peter following her

Well that wasn't rude at all, I don't feel at all unimportant, and what the hell does she mean 10 minutes, usually people who break bones stay at least an hour or so. Oh well who wants to stay in this hole any longer than necessary. Now I just have to wait 10 minutes or so.

...

...

Bored

...

Only 9 minutes and 30 seconds to go

...

...

Ok this is ridiculous, I, the girl who has been chatting hysterically to herself for the past half an hour cannot think of a single thing to think about. Ridiculous I tell you

...

...

8 minutes and 30 seconds to go, that's progress right

...

...

Oh come on Lily, think about something like... the classes your currently missing, or the traumatizing experience that just happened to you, or your friends, or even how betrayed by Snape you feel, come on Lilly think of something.

...

Oh fuck

...

Finally out of the infirmary and to lunch, yum lunch

You know you never truly appreciate lunch until you miss breakfast

It's a great meal lunch, you're not too tired to appreciate it and it isn't dominated by the idea of the next day. Plus it's a great way to get your friends to shut up for a bit. Not that it stops the worried glances *sigh*

Not that I blame them, I mean if one of them had wondered off just after having a major fight with a friend and then wasn't seen until 4 in the morning the next day when the fat lady had awoken you to tell you that your friend was outside the portrait with a broken ankle, and then to top it off said friend wouldn't tell you how she got the broken ankle OR why there were leaves in her hair, well let's just say I would be worried to. It's just that the worried glances are really starting to bug me now.

Eventually they realise that the best thing they can do is carry on like normal, thank God. I start to scan the table for Potter and his friends; if I'm going to embarrass myself by apologising then I might as well get it over and done with.

I can't see him anywhere damn it. When I don't want to see him he's there, but when I do...

*sigh* this day is really not going well

"hey guys do you know where potter is "

Now they look really worried, Mary reaches out to check my temperature while asking if I feel alright

"Yes yes I'm fine, now do you know where potter is or not?" I say brushing away her hand

They all look at each other now really worried

"actually Lilly" Alice begins," we don't know where potter is, neither him, black or Pettigrew have been seen all morning, and you know Remus is away visiting his cousin"

"I'm sure they'll turn up though" Mary adds, "they always do"

"hmm" is my only reply, something about what they're saying is trying to connect to another thought in my brain, but my mind just can't seem to make the connection.

"Lilly" Alice asks tentatively, "we should be getting to DADA, if the boys are going to turn up to a lesson it will be that one, plus if we wait any longer we're going to be late"

"yeah sure, I just need to go up to the tower to get my stuff then I'll meet you there", and hopefully by that point I'll have spoken to James, if he's cutting then he's probably in his dormitory. And at least then my apology won't be so embarrassing, if it's only him and his mates there.

...

I finally make it back to the common room, Alice and Mary had been worried about leaving me alone, they seem to think I'm going to shatter. Do they forget who they're talking to, I'm Lilly Evans, the world could end and I'd still be doing my homework. now speaking of homework, where's my bag, ah there it is with my completed DADA homework, thank god for being on top of things, now to find James.

I always find it funny that the girl's stairs are spelled against boys but the boy's stairs aren't spelled against boys, I guess I should be flattered that girls are trusted more, but really it just makes me question Dumbledore's sanity more and more. I reach the marauders' room, how do I know it's their room you ask, well it's because they've somehow convinced someone to install a metal plaque on the door stating "The Marauders'". How they get away with things I will never know.

I knock on the door

Once

Then again

And finally a third time before I decide that either they aren't in their dormitory or they're just being rude

Deciding that the second option is more likely I open their door to find...

Nothing, just four well made beds in a surprisingly un-messy room.

For a second I start to walk out of the room before I see the opportunity in front of me.

I am standing in the Marauders' room with no one here to stop me from sneaking through their things. I almost feel like cackling manically

Deciding that would be over doing it I advance toward the first bed.

Hmm, neatly made, like it hasn't been slept in, not surrounded by quiditch posters or books. Only personal touch pictures of the Marauders and a picture of a slightly chubby looking woman, this must be peter's bed, quick look through draws, nothing of interest, moving on

Neatly made bed, like it hasn't been slept in, surrounded by books and lots of them, no need to look any further to figure out who's bed this is, pictures include multiple ones of the Marauders, and one of a tired petite women surrounded by the marauders who must be Remus' mum. Quick rifle through draws, nothing of interest, moving on

Neatly made bed, like it hasn't been slept in (what is with this, do they live somewhere else or something), surrounded by multiple pictures of quiditch, motorbikes, muggle women(?), and hundreds of pictures or the marauders, mainly focussing on Sirius and James, a few with Sirius, James and what appears to be James family. In fact I would think this was James bed if not the fact that there appears to be a number of pictures of powerful slitherins with dart holes through them. A quick look through his draws, number of banned objects including 3 bottles of firewhisky, other than that nothing of interest.

Finally bed number 4, again doesn't look like it's been slept in, surrounded by quiditch posters, books, and pictures of marauders and families, and I mean families, there are pictures of marauders with peter's mum, Remus' mum and James parents, none of Sirius' family, but then again that's to be expected. There is also a picture of James and a young girl who looks incredibly like him, which is funny because I could have sworn James was an only child. His bed seems to be an embodiment of all the marauders, peter's strange neatness, Remus' books, and finally Sirius' sheer volume of stuff. I try to go through his draws but find they must be magically spelled against intruders because after the third try I start getting small electric shocks anytime I go near them.

I'm about to try again when I notice the time

Shiiiiiiiiiiit, shit and double shit, I am now officially late for DADA, crap.

I run out of the room and through the common room ignoring the startled looks of seventh years, DADA is on the second floor so I need to go down these stairs then take left, then down another set of stairs then take a left, and then I'll only be about... 15 minutes late, oh crap I'm never latttttahhhhhhhhhhhhh


End file.
